In April I had the pleasure of taking a Domestic Violence Advocacy class. I learned much about what victims go through and what resources are and aren’t available to them. It was especially interesting to see how male victims are often marginalized in the conversation around Domestic Violence because of how common history shows the majority of women as the victims. I believe it was the first time I felt the need to speak out for the male gender (those who are victims) for more rights, exposure and power. In the reading for the class there was one piece that really stuck out to me on forgiveness. Brenda V. Smith discusses the need for the victim to forgive the perpetrator. This idea totally caught me off guard and I felt defensive for the victims. It just seems unheard of to ask that of the victim and the idea is seldom if ever mentioned in DV literature. It seems so difficult yet, she feels this process is necessary for the healing growth of the victim, offender and community. Though it certainly is not the only step in the healing process it seems like a very radical idea in this context. So, I loved what she said and wanted to pass it along. Here is a small piece of what she wrote….
Anger takes a great deal of energy, and I am fortunate in being unable to hold grudges–even for deeply personal injuries. Yet forgiveness is more difficult because forgiveness in some way means that perhaps I should no longer remember the terrible things my father did–the beating, the verbal abuse, and the psychic abuse through infidelity, disinterest, and dismissal. Or perhaps, I need to remember his actions and hold on to my anger about it because, if I forget, I may have to forgive. And then I would have to do the arduous work of rebuilding the relationship free from grudges, resentment, and guilt.
While I advocate forgiveness and redemption, I realize that it requires more courage and effort than most people can muster. Thus far, the biggest step I have been able to take is to allow my children to know their grandfather free from my telling of his history. What they know of him is based on his behavior toward them. In this way, I have given my father an opportunity to recreate and redeem himself–if not with me, then with my children.
So he plays games with them that he never played with me and gives them gifts that he never gave me and demonstrates a love and pride that he felt, but could not show for me. And slowly in those random interactions he tells his story. He speaks of his love for my mother, even though he has remarried. He talks of pride in me and my sister, what we have accomplished, and his regret at not being a part of it. And he admits that he beat my mother, even though he loved her. And sometimes, I am able to love him because I forget not to.
-Brenda V. Smith Domestic Violence at the Margins: Battering Forgiveness and Redemption. p336.
5. Judge your counselor.
There are some whack counselors out there, so I recommend judging and analyzing them closely. For instance, there are a handful of books that if I see on the shelf in my counselor’s office that scare me. Like say, “Shock Therapy.” You don’t want your counselor to be a huge fan of shock therapy. Or a book titled, “Why the man is always wrong” or anything from the Every Man’s Battle series. And if the office is messy that’s not a good sign either. If he can’t put together his work environment how is he supposed to help put you back together. I find a beard to be a good sign. There’s something wise about a beard. Mutton chops however are not a good sign. The easy way to remember this is, “A beard is not weird, chops means stops.” See, that’s pretty handy.*
Those are just a few of the tips I recommend. I would love to hear yours.
And if you need a good counselor in Nashville, Atlanta or Birmingham let me know.
*Lady counselors are awesome too but for them, the beard rule is just the opposite. A beard on your lady counselor is not a great sign.
I am tired. I survived. Totally worth it. So much fun. Such a good time. So glad my friends could come out for that. who needs complete sentences and good grammar when you have the joy of an Avett Brothers binge weekend? So I really do want to thank all my friends who came out for the show saturday night. Many just came out to be apart of something that I enjoy. It seemed like everyone had a great time. Sunday night in Vancouver was cool. We spoke to Jessica Mayfield (opening band) after the show. The more I hear from her the more I like her. She is only 18 and that blows my mind. Scott Avett came up to us after the show too. I continue to be impressed with how much these guys give of themselves. They leave everything on stage every night but they know that what is created in an Avett show couldn’t happen without the crowd around them. Knowing that, they make sure that they make themselves available for the people who support them and basically aren’t afraid to just hangout and talk. Anyway I think I am done writing about the Avetts…..for now.
So, two shows down two to go. I am overly excited about tonight’s show because I will have at least 6 friends who have never seen the brothers in concert before. Last night’s show, the first in Seattle, may have been the best show I have ever seen of them. It was so high energy and just a good rawkus time. Here are some highlights of the last few days in not so many words….
I have danced a lot.
Saw Jerry Glanville at the Portland show, AGAIN!!! He refused (or didn’t hear) to acknowledge us and kept his steely demeanor despite our cries of “JERRY, HEY JERRRY.” Everyone around us had no idea what we were doing and probably thought Mr. Glanville was a body guard since he was right next to the stage in typical all black with sunglasses on at 11:45 at night, INSIDE.
Pretty Girl At the Airport
I keep getting questionable looks as people have a moments indecision about whether or not I am Seth Avett. Then one of their friends will turn to them and break the news “No….it is not him.” I think it is ridiculous and only fuels the unfortunate stereotype that all hairy bearded men look alike. I met this guy at the Seattle show, who despite knowing that I am not an Avett Brother, had us take a picture together so he could tell his friends he met Seth Avett.
Colorshow
A girl grabbed my beard. Yeah, she put her filthy hands in it. It was this obnoxious girl who worked her way into our space. I was dancing and singing and having a good time. So she just decides to turn around and touch my beard. So, like i said, I am singing and dancing and having a good time and without missing a beat, midstream of singing and dancing and doing my thing I say “don’t ever touch my beard again” and continue on to singing and dancing and overall just shaking my moneymaker. She in defeated voice says, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry” and quickly turns around and never bothers me again. I was quite proud of myself….mainly for not punching her in the face.
My Last Song to Jenny
All the new songs by the Avett’s are wonderful and I love hearing them live.
I am tired
Jessica Mayfield (one of the openers) really intrigues me. She sang this song Bible Days per our request, I think. Either way Thanks for singing it.
Pretty Girl From Raleigh
Ok, I think that is enough. Lastly, I saw this version of Talk on Indolence/Will You Return Live in Portland it was great.
I am so excited to see 4 Avett brothers’ shows this week. I am even more excited that many of my friends will be with me experiencing the Avetts live for the first time. If you are in the Northwest you should try to come out this weekend if tickets are still available. I cant wait for this……
There are so many songs about leaving and so few about staying. I wonder why that is? Are we always leaving? Moving on to the next thing? Fear of commitment maybe? Can we not see the beauty in staying? I have been very curious about this lately. If you have any ideas or any good songs on staying let me know.
History never repeats
I tell myself before i go to sleep
Don’t say the words you might regret
I lost before, you know i can’t forget
There was a girl i used to know
Well she dealt my love a savage blow
I was so young, too blind to see
But anyway, that’s history
And i say, history never repeats
I tell myself before i go to sleep
And there’s a light shining in the dark
Leading me on towards a change of heart
You say i always played the fool
I can’t go on if that’s the rule
Better to jump than hesitate
I need a change and i can’t wait
I say, history never repeats
I tell myself before i go to sleep
And there’s a light shining in the dark
Leading me on towards a change of heart
Never repeats
History never repeats
History never repeats
Deep in the night it’s all so clear
I lie awake with great ideas
Looking about in no man’s land
I think at last i understand
History never repeats
I tell myself before i go to sleep
And there’s a light shining in the dark
Leading me on towards a change of heart
Yeah…
It is hard for me to get excited about seeing anything regarding the Iraq war these days….maybe those days too. But…ever since I heard about Body of War I have been pretty pumped. I think intrigued might be the better word. Phil Donahue is one of the people behind this and that doesnt even phase me. (Phil Donahue huh? well…alright.) Anyways, it is a pretty intriguing story about an american soldier who becomes disabled while fighting in Iraq. Also, a few musicians put some solid music to this project.
As graduation creeps closer the questions about our future and what lies next only get more intense. With a trip to the Carolina’s coming up I expect (and understandably so) many conversations about this topic. I don’t feel stressed about these questions that i have few answers to give. That feels important to say. It is hard though when you don’t feel pulled in a certain direction. It is exciting to have the freedom to choose……it is also absolutely terrifying. With some hesitance I look forward to the choosing. And as always it is good to have others words to help search my emotions……
People, people, people, they make it sound so easy
They say just do what your heart tells you to
But sometimes you cannot feel it
Sometimes you cannot hear it
Sometimes it won’t talk back to you - The Avett Brothers, Pretty Girl From San Diego
carolina, one day I’ll come, some day I’ll come home
carolina, one day I’ll come, some day I’ll come… home. -The Avett Brothers, Salina
Oh my sweet Carolina
What compels me to go
Oh my sweet disposition
May you one day carry me home
May you one day carry me home - Ryan Adams, Oh My Sweet Carolina
On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
That all my destinations will accept the one that’s me
So I can breathe… -Eddie Vedder, Guaranteed
